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Hi all,

Hopefully this post isn’t too long but I’ll start with my stats:

Gender: Female
Age: 34
Height: 160cm (5’2)
Current Weight: 95kg (209.4 lbs)
Goal Weight: 65kg (143.3 lbs)

For reference: Most recent full body picture of me and here is a picture of my brother

Five weeks ago, my younger brother lost his battle with addiction. He overdosed and I never got to say goodbye to him. The last conversation we had was a huge fight. He was 31.

Prior to this, my brother loved the gym. He would go 5-6 days a week and he was very fit. Despite his addiction to drugs, he was quite fit (aesthetically speaking). He would always try and get me to go with him, but i was always too busy. I never made time to go with him, to do something with him that we could bond over. I feel guilty that I should have helped him more, spent more time with him and just generally should have been there for him. I am dealing with all of this in therapy now.

After my brothers death, I took a long hard look at my unhealthy life. I eat terribly, I sit at a desk all day, I’m not active. Ive been going to the gym but I haven’t seen results because I haven’t been eating properly. My heart was never in it. I’m unhappy with how I look and how I feel about myself. I asked myself, “what is the point of being unhappy?”. We get one life, and it can be taken at anytime. I should be working towards being happy and content inside. I want to work on myself and be better.

In a way, I am addicted to carbs and to sugar, and it was hypocritical of me to just think he could quit easily. I struggle with sugar and it must have been about 100 times harder for him. So starting on 21st of Aug 2020, I cut out sugar and have started eating clean. I did cardio, and saw my PT twice.

I’ve lost 1.3kg (2.8 lbs) as of today. I’m amazed at what i could achieve in one week.

In March 2021, I am getting married and I am heartbroken that you will not be there by my side. This journey is for me, of course, but I am also doing it for you bro. I’m sorry I let you down and I miss you.

If you see this, please keep me accountable. It’s going to be hard mentally, emotionally and physically, but I have never felt so determined in my life.

Thanks for reading.

One more thing, if theres someone out there that you have had a fight with, or you are upset with, don’t leave it like that. Pick up the phone and make peace with them. Even if you were in the right, they were in the right…just do it, make peace and walk away if you have to.

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